By Claytonia Vices, PUNE (Farse News Agency)
The country has been besieged by a tragedy of unprecedented magnitude: Desi television has succumbed to the soap virus.
Health professionals warn that a certain Fake-ta Kapoor might be the main carrier of this virus. They also warned that watching the shallow-scripted sham unfolding can cause permanent damage to a person's intelligence.
Researchers have supported this by proving that exposure to soaps on a daily basis led to the death of an alarming number of grey cells in the subjects of their experiment. Some participants actually complained of crises in their personal lives resulting from the effect of watching characters in the soaps constantly plotting against each other and sabotaging relationships.
They also said that the characterisation in these soaps is so hollow, almost all the roles can be easily classified into two categories. Among female characters, one is the bitchy type while the other is the rona-dhona type. The script generally consists of the bitchy type finding newer ways to make life miserable to the rona-dhona types, sometimes spending many days just hatching conspiracies. The males however still largely confirmed to the men-don't-cry stereotype and hence fell into the categories of conspirer and the supportive types who come to the support of the females who indulge in chronic fits of rona-dhona.
Experts also warn a channel which plays only soaps may one day become reality. This shocking scenario, they say, may result in widespread brain damage among innocent audiences who may be exposed to this channel for as little as a few seconds while surfing.
The latest casuality to soaps was the popular music channel Yum TV. Its famous VJ, Virus Broacha (name changed), when asked what he felt about the soap Kitna 'Musty' Hai Zindagi taking more airtime than songs, he only said that we shouldn't 'broach' the topic as he is suffering from acute soap-exposure sickness and a mere mention makes him puke. He then added, "Yum TV Bhi Kabhi Music Channel Thi!" before going into a coma. At the time of going to press, he was reported to have been revived when he was placed in front of a TV showing Discovery Channel and is said to be in a stable condition. Doctors said he luckily escaped with only partial brain damage and adviced him to maintain a distance of atleast 300 feet from TVs showing soaps.
This latest development only confirms the widespread fears that this virus is slowly taking over the entire nation and one day there will not be a single grey cell left among the 1 billion (and still counting) people of this country...
Hey! It's time for my favourite soap! Gotta go...see ya!!